this is not written for you, this is written for me.

I feel numb and breathless and quite confused. The skies are breaking and my hand and heart, they’re all bleeding.

We went down to that place by the river. We were going slow and steady, by each other’s side humming the same tune under our breath. It was a golden moment.
Looking back to that day, there’s nothing much I remember than being with you, not feeling so low after all.

However, soon came the faint signs of distance. And all I could feel was going down and down and down under. All my feelings and all my thoughts, I’ve shoved under my carpet; yet there lingers a flicker of an old lovelorn, infatuation dazed heart.

Again returning to that lovely moment we shared between us; we were talking and you were simply angelic. I went over in my head everything that may or may not happened but the actual reality was better than anything I’ve had imagined.

Yet all we were going was down and, down under.

The next few days, weeks, months- they’re all quite a bit foggy in my head. It felt like we were heading towards the right direction. At last, I though to myself, second chances given to falling in love aren’t all that bad. Ah, I felt on top of the world. I felt like screaming to the world: Someone hold me, we were moving faster than heaven.

As you played with my heart like we were playing with water, I forgave you. I still think, to this very point, that I probably had not cared all that much as to pose you questions asking about what happened. Its just, I don’t really care.
Not anymore, that is.

I’ve never really bothered much about feelings, to be blatantly honest that is. More often than not, I just play along; so was I the one stringing you along, or was it the other way around? I’m a mess and an idiot too. We were going round and round but I reckon somewhere along our very own fool’s parade, I really started liking you. Doesn’t matter now, does it?

Now we stand at the opposite ends of a burned bridge. Detrimental to my soul, adventure to my mind; what exactly were you to me? I am not mad at you, not one bit; it’s just sometimes memories take a toll on the present and it seems like I’m back to that day when everything started, and you asked me take some time to breathe. I breathe too fast and think too fast and fall too fast, well you wouldn’t really know that now, would you?

Now the times are forgotten, waves of new found feelings all are given up to change. All that lies between us are fake conversations and memories lost in the space. I suppose I’ll be better off without you. I don’t expect any calls or messages, fact is, you’re just not there anymore. You’ve been on your game, and what looks like it, quite excelling at it too.
Good for you. There’s nothing much more left for me to say now, is it?

Funnily enough, all of this sounds like it’s an excerpt from a heartbreak series. To be perfectly honest, this lies more on the side of a half baked love story met with sudden coldness. The remnants are still lying around, stinky and messy and quite depressing. One of them is losing the other, already has lost them, the other one- well, clichéd enough, doesn’t play much part in it.

Here I am, staring back to that place by the river. I don’t even know what more I could’ve done; looking back, I tried do my best to carry on. Whatever my best is, that is.

I’ve always believed that words play a major part in any relationship, and you always ran short of words around me. Shy? Thoughtful? Only those I could think of. I still think that. In my mind I still stand where you left me at; only the weather’s changed. Dark stormy clouds took over breezy spring days. Time after time I tried persuading you into staying. You know I did; yet you walked away.

It makes me wonder, why was I not much surprised when you went your own way. I guess, I’m just too used to things falling apart right after they become perfect. And everytime I convince myself to be wary of these emotions. Love makes a person weak. But love is what binds us all, doesn’t it? Now to clarify, I did not fall in love with you. Never had, never will. But I just, was, almost ready to do that.

I need to wake up from half baked dreams of happiness. It’s hard now that I know exactly where I stand. This sting I’ll always remember, this sting will always stay in me.

I should’ve known this was never right for me. I say to myself, I did this to myself; I know it all, but I can still recall, I gave it all. Gave everything I had and I could, to you. I tried so hard to numb these incessant pain you caused me to feel, but I can’t bring myself too. An artist, I am. How can I supress pain into a void and let it all out?

-this is not written for you. this is written for me.


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